What's the C Word

This post is about to get pretty personal and real and I'm nervous about getting it out there but life is about facing fears so here I am and if it helps someone else to know there's more people struggling with the same thing then great. 

About a year ago I was at the doctor for a routine check up when they told me I was due for another pap. We went ahead and took care of it and that was that. A week later I was told it came back abnormal but that that was not uncommon and probably nothing to worry about. No further testing was done, partially my fault, they did ask me to come back to do another but I wasn't too concerned. 

Flash forward to 6 months ago and they asked me to do another pap. That one also came back abnormal so we decided to do further testing for HPV and what not. Eventually it came down to a Colposcopy where the dr opened my cervix like they would during a pap and took a small microscope to check for any abnormal cells. Through this whole process leading up to this point I was told it was all routine. That there was nothing I needed to worry about and it was probably nothing; if anything HPV that is easily treatable and totally normal. Well. Then I got the dreaded "Oh boy" from my doctor's mouth. Followed by "Well this is a lot worse than I thought and not at all what I expected" WAY TO MAKE A GIRL FREAK OUT. I was told I had 6 large, nickle to quarter sized spots that needed to be biopsied "right away". They took the biopsy sample and said I'd hear back in a week.

Then came that dreaded phone call that the cells came back positive for cervical cancer. 

I wasn't given much information other than that little tid bit of life altering news, but that it was something that needed to be taken care of as soon as possible so it doesn't get worse and that I'd be hearing back soon with a surgery date. I don't remember the name of the surgery but the way it was described to me was absolutely terrifying. My doctor said that essentially they'd be "cutting" into my cervix to remove the spots while trying to save as much as he can to not interfere with any future pregnancies. So basically I was scared shitless. My dream is to be a mommy of multiple children. I'm lucky and grateful for my daughter, of course, but if I'm capable of having more children and ever blessed to be given that opportunity I want it to take it. One hundred percent. 

Ok so can you imagine, after hearing that news, and if you're anything like me you'd be dissecting every detail, every word, and then not hearing back for MONTHS? I called the doctors office every week from the day of my diagnosis in APRIL until I was finally given a surgery date in late AUGUST. Every time I called I was told the Dr only schedules three surgeries a month and I was on the waiting list with 3 people ahead of me. It didn't make any sense! How were there always 3 people ahead of me?  

I was finally given a date. September 21st, aka Dooms Day. About 2 weeks after being given my date I was told my surgery date was given to someone else and I was put back on the waiting list. Their reasoning was  that they had tried calling me to go over details of the surgery and were not able to get a hold of me. I had never received any phone calls, or texts or emails like I usually do to confirm and remind me of appointments. I lost it on this woman on the phone. I was already so angry that it took so long for a date but then to just give it away! I told her I had called every week checking in, I was literally in the office 2 days prior asking for any new news and was always told them same thing. I should have gone to a new office earlier than I did. But after the circus I'd just been through I decided getting a second opinion was a good idea. 

At my second opinion appointment the new Dr basically called my previous Dr a fraud, a Craigslist Dr and was completely shocked that they had given me the news in the way that they had and then completely left me in the dark and left me hanging. He went over my tests and lab results I brought in with my previous diagnosis and actually went over every thing with me word for word and what it all meant. He was running behind schedule but still convinced the nurses to push back some appointments so he could perform his own colposcopy. I was so grateful he wanted to do it then and there and not make me wait another week or so to come back and go through all of this again. He really explained every thing to me and told me he didn't think I'd need more than just a LEEP procedure, which would not effect my ability to have babies in the future. He really put me at ease.

So here I am playing the waiting game again. My emotions high, my nerves cranking. I have to wait another week for my biopsy results but no matter what the outcome is I'm ready for it. I'm glad I have this second Dr taking care of me this time around and I actually have a good feeling that this will all work out just fine. I know he actually has my best interest in mind and I'll be in good hands. I have a huge support team behind me and keeping me going in the right direction. 

I've learned a lot through this process and whether I actually do have cervical cancer or not I was given a new perspective. I can't say I didn't already live my life with a positive perspective or a love for life, because I did, but this has only enhanced that and was another reminder of how short life is and how important those close to you are. I'll try my best to keep up to speed on the rest of this process. I honestly hope there's not much more to it, but like I said, I'm ready for it. Bring it on!